i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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