Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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