do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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