why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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