I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
