My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you will always have a special place in my vag
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
