so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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