Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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