The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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