Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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