How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
