she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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