I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
