You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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