My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i wish my penis had a tongue
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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