You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
