I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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