4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
