$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
