Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
