Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
