Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
