you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hippo gnu deer
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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