So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
