Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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