Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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