mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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