After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
