You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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