She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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