I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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