you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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