I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
