I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
