Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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