At least make sure they are 18
Why
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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