i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize