I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
