just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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