The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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