I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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