I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
