You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize