Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
