I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
