How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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