I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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