booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You pole danced in your parka.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
