i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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