i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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