god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
