Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I lost the right to judge tonight
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
