You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
