I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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