you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
