Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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