He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
