dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize