I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
