eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
