On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
